my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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