He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
