evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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