Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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