she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
