I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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