Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
