The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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