K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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