Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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