the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My vagina is officially offended.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
