and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
