Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i think my cat just said my name.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
