I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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