omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
