Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
