I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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