I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
