I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
