We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
