do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
