I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
