I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
