Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize