Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
