Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
