Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
