I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
