there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
