theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
