On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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