I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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