My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize