Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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