What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It's Friday. Sex?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
