the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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