I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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