I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Even my vagina gasped.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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