its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize