would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
