Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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