your parents love me but you hate me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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