my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
