I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And then he peed in my hair
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