I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
