Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
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