last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
