Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
