the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
