my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
