my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
How's work?
Spinning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
