Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
