You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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