cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My feet surprised me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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