you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
