I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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