Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
