Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
