There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
