He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
