When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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